DARTH VADER is the twitter handle of @DepressedDarth, a rabid and sleepless Star Wars superfan who delivers very funny SW shit on a daily basis. So I thought I’d offer an alternative to all the “HAIL CTHULHU! COME, DARKNESS!” posts today on this, Monday the 13th of October wherein, fuck yeah, we have plenty to be PLENTY scared of. If you’re a parent, it’s Enterovirus 68. If you’re paranoid (and who isn’t), it’s Ebola. If you’re a red bloodied Republican who’s quietly (or not so quietly) hated Obama’s black fucking guts for the last six years and now you turn on your TV and LOOK! Why that damn darkie has allowed Iraq to fall to pieces, completely dismantling all of George W.’s good work and those ISIS bastards are using guns and tanks we gave them and on and on but really, if you’re a red bloodied Republican on Monday the 13th of October you might be mad but red bloodied Republicans aren’t scared of shit, are you. You’re especially not afraid of these ISIS bums. ISIS? ISIS? What kinda name is that for an army, wasn’t Isis some Egyptian bitch who fucked Caesar or built the Sphinx or something? For if you are indeed a red bloodied Republican with a framed picture of Schwarzkopf on the mantel there ain’t no way on God’s green Earth that you could ever ever possibly be afraid of a woman, not even on Monday the 13th of October. Nope. Not you. A bitch? Come on. But RBR, look at the time! Time for bed, off we go. It must be strange to live without fear, RBR. I kind of feel sorry for you—I mean, fuck, you’re never going to buy one of my books except perhaps in my wildest dreams when you hold it up on big media and scream BLASPHEMY or something—but Red Bloodied Republican, I genuinely feel sorry for you. So as a one-time Draxian gesture I have arranged a special gift, a nightmare. Tonight. 2:47 am. Not masked gunmen kicking in your door nor the White House blowing up but the spectral and burning visage of Isis, her hand at your throat, a knife at her side, the Nile rising behind her like a tsunami to drown you in the waters you fear the most, the red rivers of woman.
No, really, you don’t have to thank me, RBR. The pleasure? All mine.
Because I finally fell into the proper wavelength of October today. The fear. The weird. It felt good to embrace it, embrace fear. Even as my world explodes around me, I find myself laughing a lot. Because I’m so full fear that when a bomb doesn’t go off for a full five minutes suddenly there’s something hilarious in my world. I’m still afraid. But it feels so good to laugh.
STAR WARS collected / created by @DepressedDarth
When your parents ask you to clean your room
See? A little ha ha never hurt anyone on Monday October 13…
Oh, shit. It was Columbus Day, wasn’t it.