LADIES IN RETIREMENT (1941)
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Static: Buh-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAH-ZAMP!
HELLO, this is Drax on the I-radio and we are PAGING @mlleghoul! Holy fucking shit, LADIES IN RETIREMENT (1941) screams your name! It has everything in your soul: Weird Sisters! Insanity! HIGH ANXIETY RE REAL ESTATE AND LIVING CONDITIONS. Gloomy trees and ancient English Cottages and MEN WHO BEHAVE VERY BADLY AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF DESPERATE WOMEN and death, and murder. It’s all you, honey.
AGAINST THE DARK (2009)
HE LIVES BY THE SWORD. THEY WILL DIE BY IT.
Buzzzzz-ka-ZAMP! Back on the radio and paging @malcoJOJO! Wow, surely one of Seagal’s lowest moments but a surprisingly entertaining romp and chase and chew through a vampire-infested hospital! Seagal and his black-clad vampire hit-squad are like a squadron of imperial TIE Fighters from fucking Star Wars: They zoom in! They strike with no mercy! They speak little! They zoom out! Meanwhile, packs of hapless humans trapped in the hospital argue incessantly about WHICH WAY TO GO under constantly flickering buzzing lights, because “The generator will fail any minute!” Science 101 to both third graders and filmmakers: generators don’t work that way. Anyway, Against The Dark offers one or two surprising twists and flashes of originality. Check it out with your kids, a very drunk friend, or the weird lady down the street who’s in dire need of an escape from her grim reality. Do it!
THE ORDER (2003)
BZZZ-ZAKA-ZAKA-ZOMP! Yes, still on the radio waves and paging @gfstudio and @casketglass! Holy fucking cats on fire, THE ORDER is the hottest of hot messes ever belched from a blender! Kids, BEWARE THE ALLURE OF THE DREAM/PET PROJECT. I’m talking about Battlefield Earth by John Travolta or DOOMTROOPERS by Simon Drax: beware the pet project! It always fails.
Because THE ORDER, written, produced, and directed by Oscar Winner Brian Helgeland is clearly a piece of shit “epic” he carried around in his head for decades. Warrior priests! Evil children! Demons! Sexy ethereal girlfriend! Immortals! SIN EATERS!
There’s nothing sadder than watching/reading/witnessing a piece of “art” that obviously entailed a shitload of blood and sweat and tears but by the final reel, by the last page, it’s just a piece of shit, man.
BBBBZZZZZZZT… and we’re off the air.
Ω
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